I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
