I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
