I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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