It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
