I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize