And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
