Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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