if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
