I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I puked a lego.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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