Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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