genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
