Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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