There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
