Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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