so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
