this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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