Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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