Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Still dying that you shit outside
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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