It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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