Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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