he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
