Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
