The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
