I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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