I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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