I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
