i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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