The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize