I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
