I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize