saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
