you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
