my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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