He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
