i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
