Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
