Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sext me about skeletons
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
