you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
