literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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