Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
