i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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