I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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