she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
