I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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