he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize