I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you guys were way drunker than both of me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
