I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
