Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
