I'm so fucking centered right now
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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