I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
