Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
