This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
