Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
