Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
nutella sex= disaster
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
