I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
