After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Couch. On fire.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize