he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
