I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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