Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm like, not good at living.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
