Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
