So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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