the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
