Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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