i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My cat gives me a boner
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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