the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize