i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I will pee on everything he values.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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