I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
cat food counts as protein by the way
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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