Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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