Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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