Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
